Special 02:
Churchy Wedding Vows
The most relationship-shaping, life-changing conversations to have for yourself and with your partner
Curious to know what to think about as you prepare for a relationship or for marriage?
In this episode, I am sharing ways to approach your coming marital vows alongside my husband with insights on how to plan, prepare, and collaborate before you meet each other at the holy altar.
From the Church of England to the Black Church, marriage vows, obedience, and submission, you better believe that we address elephants in the room to prepare brides-to-be (and their grooms).
You’re going to hear:
- Our response to a viral TikTok video comparing two different kinds of brides and the lack of wedding prep for one couple
- English and Black American Church History as it pertains to vows and women’s liberation from oppression
- A line-by-line critique of the most popular churchy wedding vows
… And much, much more!
To make things easy, I’ve created an episode guide that’s packed with the key considerations included in this show! It’s designed for you to follow along with my husband and I to avoid random notetaking or losing time with rewinding and replaying. You can grab it here so you don’t have to worry about anything while you listen to the episode.
Before you dive in, I’ll leave you with a powerful and popular movie line from the classic Black film, Love Jones:
“People with profound insights on life know not to get married. And those that do, ought to know that marriage is what you make it.” – Savon Garrison, Love Jones.
Here’s a glance at this episode…
[2:02] – We introduce the TikTok video guiding our discussion.
[5:23] – We hear audio of two different brides exchanging their vows.
[6:32] – We discuss how one bride challenges unprepared vows.
[7:47] – Jeremiah finds one bride’s delivery cringeworthy and the other enthusiastic.
[12:31] – Jeremiah emphasizes the importance of a woman’s self-worth in submission, considering a man’s genuine and honorable qualities as crucial for a meaningful commitment.
[15:10] – Jeremiah values trust in a man’s consistency and positive outcomes for marriage.
[16:41] – Marriage unites families, so conversations should be held privately after family events.
[17:59] – We both emphasize addressing issues with counsel, pausing to reassess before moving forward in order to honor commitment.
[19:49] – I question whether adults, especially married partners, should be obedient.
[22:51] – The word “obey,” Jeremiah points out, implies following commands, usually from legal authorities, creating a nuanced perspective.
[25:40] – “Obedience” undermines autonomy, stifles opinions, and hampers independent thought in decisions.
[27:09] – Jeremiah argues that in a submissive environment, decisions still require dialogue, mutual respect, and understanding.
[29:51] – Submission vs. obedience dynamics vary; mutual respect, understanding, and equal partnership are all crucial.
[32:31] – There is a mutual understanding that involves both parties deserving a voice with the right to negotiate power.
[35:31] – “Obedience” feels outdated to Jeremiah; he values opinions and prefers mutual support and reciprocal exchange.
[37:31] – I argue for distinguishing between obedience and understanding, acknowledging historical nuances to reshape relationship expectations.
[41:03] – Jeremiah argues that we need to consider a mutual effort when challenging traditional religious views.
[45:12] – Jeremiah points out that partnerships require collaboration, but decision-making often relies on specific expertise.
[47:45] – Christianity holds a heavy influence on Black communities.
[51:59] – We read the most popular wedding vows together.
[54:53] – Joyice suggests a “possession and position ” dynamic in marriage where men more often identify with possession while women more often identify with position.
[1:01:14] – Wedding vows signify experiencing highs and enduring lows, supporting partners in all seasons.
[1:03:15] – I argue that premarital counseling must address boundaries.
[1:05:30] – Jeremiah agrees that there is a gender disparity between vows, especially with the word “obey.”
[1:08:28] – Pre-marriage counseling explores being equally yoked.
[1:10:35] – I suggest that “till death do us part” signifies fulfilling mutual promises in marriage .
[1:13:24] – In every aspect of life, a designated decision-maker is crucial for harmony.
[1:15:01] – I assert that trust in partners’ judgment varies by domain; communication and collaboration are of the utmost importance.
[1:18:44] – The role of the designated decision-maker requires preparation and established trust.
[1:21:40] – Jeremiah asserts that shared decision-making is essential for collective good.
[1:23:31] – Jeremiah argues that embracing the “soft life” means trusting your partner’s decisions for collective well-being, prioritizing a sense of unity over your personal desires.
[1:24:02] – I summarize by saying that choosing a partner who aligns with your vision is crucial for longevity.
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Links mentioned in this episode:
Meghan Markle did not promise obedience
National Healthy Marriage Resource Center
We grow as we go,
